Shane knows what she's doing

So I think this is the first time in a long time that I actually want a relationship. I actually don't believe that I've wanted to be in a relationship so badly ever before. I have no idea why either. I have no time and I need to focus on myself, but maybe in a way focusing on someone else will help me to not stress out as much about myself. Anyway, the only girls I want to date,

1.) claims she's inlove with her girlfriend of four months who does not love her back. She wants to marry this girl which she cheated on with yours truely and then half-assed the truth when she had the chance to come completely clean; we only kissed... uh huh but where? and 2.) the other girl which I want to date has a girlfriend who lives in england who is about to become her boyfriend. This girlfriend going on boyfriend of hers has cheated on her more times than there are fingers on a hand and she's a lesbian. Why would she want to date this cheating, vag-less girlfriend who lives halfway across the world? No idea

Anyway, both of them are severely messed up when it comes to relationships which leads to the question of: Why would you want to date these girls? Why are they so appealing to you? I have no idea. Screwed up girl number one is a cheating, lying, dishonest piece of shit who I cannot carry on a conversation with her anymore with her freaking out because we used to mess around. And screwed up girl number two, who really is not as screwed up as screwed up girl number one, lives in the same complex as me but I never run into her and she's extremely sexual with our gay guy friend?? I don't know, conversations with both are distant but I don't care. I guess that makes me screwed up girl number three, the only of the three who is single.

Here is my list:
1.) Smart
2.) Funny
3.) Takes care of themselves (works out, showering is nice too, ect...)
4.) SINGLE
5.) Smart
6.) Attractive
7.) Can not wear any make-up, not do their hair, and throw on some basketball shorts and a baggy shirt and still look amazing to me
8.) Around my height
9.) Knows what they want
10.) Can stand up for themselves

That's in no particular order but you get the idea. I think I'm just going to start pulling back into my "Shane" mode again. I really want more than just a friends with benefits deal but at least back when I was not wanting a relationship I was getting more. I just sounded like a total slob and pig but I'm going through a dry spell so deal with my lack there of.

blah

So I miss home. It's not like I have an attachment to my room, or my house, or my neighborhood, or even the town; I just really miss the feel of belonging to something. I love it here, don't get me wrong, but I have changed so much and I'm just sick of being this new person who is in a very confusing relationship and I'm sick of people not understanding why I do the things I do. A great thing about college is that you can just come here and no one knows who you are or what you're about and you can start fresh, but it is just as bad all the same. I don't like the fact that I have to tell people, "No really, let me be antisocial today... I need this" because people don't understand that I'm bipolar or that i cannot put up with certain people for more than a couple of hours some times. It's just hard to juggle all of this shit and please people at the same time. I don't want to be a bitch to my friends but sometimes people just need to give in and drop it.