Home

So I'm home now. My plane landed two days ago and I've been struggling with being in this house ever since. Before I even got here I was informed by my very upset mother that I wouldn't be able to sleep in my own bed due to the fact that my cousin's family decided to have thanksgiving with us at last minute. This phone call from her was at a very terrible time in the day- whoa back up, I forgot about the ex-boyfriend.


I met him, things went well; she still looks at him like she's in love and it hurts. I walked out of the room for literally 1 minute to talk to my sister on the phone and when I opened the door back up she was practically sitting on his lap. I don't even think she realized that's why I left shortly there after. Then, while I was telling her I couldn't do this-that I know she still was in-love with him and still wanted to be with him-I had to practically make her hug me before she left for her home. She didn't even kiss me goodbye. Another thing: She talks to him more than me. I am not a jealous person and when I do get jealous I never let the person know because I find it extremely embarrassing to lose control of my emotions like that, but when she doesn't even give me the time of day... She will pick up the phone at 2 am while I'm laying naked in bed with her to talk to him, but while I'm having a total panic attack telling her something is wrong and that I need her through text she does nothing. She talks to him about six times a day but can't even stay on the phone longer than three minutes to talk to the girl she supposedly wants to be with more? I want him to disappear. I want him to just go away. By the way, he looks like a twelve year old boy.

So my mother calls right after she doesn't kiss me goodbye to tell me that I wouldn't get my own room when I went home. Then, at dinner, I realized how annoying catholic those very cousins are. As I sit between my cousin and my grandfather at dinner and begin to eat, my cousin gives me this extremely worried look and asks, "What are you doing?" "Eating...?" "-----, you need to pray first." Then I get a five minute lecture from my cousin and grandfather about how I NEED TO PRAY TO JESUS before I bite into my meal. I wanted to just respond with a, "I'm going to hell anyway, I highly doubt Jesus cares that I don't pray before biting into this indian/hindu dish." But then I would have had to tell them why. By the way readers, guess who has two thumbs and found out she would be disowned by her extended family if she came out of the closet? This girl right here!


Then thanksgiving happened. Lots of eating, and being bothered by my bratty only child 6-year-old cousin, and more praying. Everyone way exhausted after eating all except for that annoying kid who decided he didn't want to eat any turkey. (Something to know about me: I LOVE kids! I absolutely LOVE them! I've only ever really detested one child in my whole life and that happens to be my cousin. I love all of the rest of them, but this one... dear god... I didn't realize how bad he was until this trip.) I finally got to the point where I could not take him anymore and I locked myself in my room for most of the afternoon. This was a very bad idea. See, I'm bipolar and I think I may have seasonal depression as well. Now I've been able to control myself while I've been away but being back at the house just made me into my miserable self again. I felt like a 12 years old again. I had around ten panic attacks within three hours. I cried over nothing. I hid in my bathroom so no one could hear me talking to myself--I did that all the time when I was younger. Everything inside me felt numb so much that it was painful. I felt like I was dying and I could not do anything to stop myself. The only person I could think of talking to was her and she finally called! I'm almost positive I texted her and asked her too though. So she finally called-she couldn't even talk to me in front of her family and I think her ex-boyfriend followed her outside. We talked for three minutes. When she told me it was too cold for her to talk I wanted to scream at her. Why she was ashamed to talk to me in front of her family was one thing, but she could hear it in the way that I spoke that I NEEDED to talk to someone. I still want to scream to her at the top of my lungs about it. About the time I started pacing was when a really good friend of mine called and nearly saved me from going crazy. He came too pick my up and I'm almost positive me thought I was one drugs I was so euphoric to be out of that house. I don't know what I would have done if he had not of come and picked me up.


So today: She called me at 8:30 this morning. She had texted me at 6 to tell me I was over reacting and that I needed to calm down (fyi: it is my biggest pet peeve when people tell me that); I think she thought I was freaking out about her ex being with her. So I sent her one back apologizing for I don't even know (guys- it's what you should always do when you want the easy way out) and telling her that it was a really rough day for me yesterday. So she called me as soon as she got my text and she was shopping with her sister so we only talked for about five mintues.

Then I did the whole, mid-day black friday shopping with my mother and grandmother. It was awesome; I got a $200 petticoat for $70 plus other things as well. After shopping I worked out at the wonderful and FABULOUS LifeTime Fitness. It is like Heaven for athletes. After working out was dinner with the family again minus the cousins who left this morning. (Fyi: My sister could not make it home for the holidays, she had just got back from china with the US Sanshou Team so she was very tired.) Dinner was.. interesting...

First off, the whole time I was an object of attraction to my second older man of the day. (The first one was while I was working out on the bike right next to my mother no less.) This one kept staring at me intently while he was having dinner with his perfect little white heterosexual suburban family. His daughter, who looked about 13, was giving me the dirtiest looks all throughout it too. I guess she realized her father was undressing a barely legal girl with his eyes right in front of her mother. Then all throughout dinner I learned that my very same cousin that lectured me over not praying before dinner steals from our dead relatives. Legal documentation of ownership means nothing to that man: My mother has literally had to lie to him so that he wouldn't be tempted to steal an old family heir loom that was my great great grandmother's. Apparently he really gets a feeling of pleasure by owning everything of his dead relatives to the point where he has flat out stolen things from there houses just days (if even) after the funeral. It was shortly thereafter that I learned I'm more than likely to be disowned by those people if I was to ever tell them I was a lesbian.

My dinner, which happened to be my favorite dish at the restaurant, was cold and not at all spicy like I had asked for it to be. So while I was having to eat my cold, non-spicy basil fried rice with tofu, I was listening to stories about my family and how they seem to be the most dysfunctional out of all the ones I know. The dinner ended with us talking about the murder of my uncle's ex-wife. It was a very fun night.

Turkey Day?

Other Wise known as: "Argue with family about whatever, stuff your body till you can't breathe without it hurting, and pass out cold from the amount of tryptophan intake Day." I leave the lbk area on wednesday at noon to fly back to my little picture perfect suburban town by 1 p.m. and I just know I will want to leave long before sunday. I miss my family and everything but... the g-parents are going to be there as well and... i don't know. I just feel a huge fight coming on followed with a "So do you have a boyfriend yet? No? Why not? Stop being so picky!" I have always wanted to follow their response with a, "You know, all the boys I've met so far just don't have big enough tits in my opinion."

(The plan was that I was going to re-comeout of the closet to my parents [they thought it was a phase], but I'm pretty sure doing it to the whole family would just be a little much. Plus, I really can't imagine what my 11-year-old cousin would do when she found out her role model kisses girls.)

But what I honestly want to be able to say to my family when they ask me about who I'm dating is: "She's beautiful. Her name is ----, she's in the army, she's going to nursing school next year, and waking up to her in the morning just makes me want to stay there with her for the rest of the day."

I really was not expecting anything when I met her; she had a girlfriend... well now she's a boy so I supposed it's safe to call her a boyfriend... of 2 years. The boyfriend lives in England and is absolutely in-love with her. Problem: She is a lesbian. As much as she tried to get used to the transitioning it didn't change the whole lesbian factor. They broke up and now we are unofficially dating. He's going to be flying in to spend thanksgiving with her and he'll be in three hours. He wants to kill me. I'm going to meet him. Suspense.

I think what I'm feeling right now isn't jealousy- I want them to still be friends- I think what I'm feeling is just pure nervousness.
I'm nervous about meeting him.
I'm nervous about what to say to him.
I'm nervous about what he'll say to me.
I'm nervous about what he'll do to me.
I'm nervous about what he'll do to her.
I'm nervous about what they will say to each other.
I'm nervous that he'll try something.
I'm nervous she'll let him.
I'm nervous about...

Pretty much everything at this point.

I think two completely failed relationships in a row would just be a little much right now. I think it was stupid to get attached to someone so much... again. Not saying I'm falling as hard for this one as I did the last one, I'm just saying I could and I know it. He's going to be here for ten days. That means nearly two weeks of not getting to really be around her. That means nearly two weeks of them being together constantly and sharing rooms together, and maybe beds together. I am very nervous about this whole thing.

Which brings me back to the whole family thing. I want so badly to be able to talk to my mom or my dad about her. Just to be like, "Hey, I'm scared I might lose her tomorrow, so please listen to me without looking away."