Home

So I'm home now. My plane landed two days ago and I've been struggling with being in this house ever since. Before I even got here I was informed by my very upset mother that I wouldn't be able to sleep in my own bed due to the fact that my cousin's family decided to have thanksgiving with us at last minute. This phone call from her was at a very terrible time in the day- whoa back up, I forgot about the ex-boyfriend.


I met him, things went well; she still looks at him like she's in love and it hurts. I walked out of the room for literally 1 minute to talk to my sister on the phone and when I opened the door back up she was practically sitting on his lap. I don't even think she realized that's why I left shortly there after. Then, while I was telling her I couldn't do this-that I know she still was in-love with him and still wanted to be with him-I had to practically make her hug me before she left for her home. She didn't even kiss me goodbye. Another thing: She talks to him more than me. I am not a jealous person and when I do get jealous I never let the person know because I find it extremely embarrassing to lose control of my emotions like that, but when she doesn't even give me the time of day... She will pick up the phone at 2 am while I'm laying naked in bed with her to talk to him, but while I'm having a total panic attack telling her something is wrong and that I need her through text she does nothing. She talks to him about six times a day but can't even stay on the phone longer than three minutes to talk to the girl she supposedly wants to be with more? I want him to disappear. I want him to just go away. By the way, he looks like a twelve year old boy.

So my mother calls right after she doesn't kiss me goodbye to tell me that I wouldn't get my own room when I went home. Then, at dinner, I realized how annoying catholic those very cousins are. As I sit between my cousin and my grandfather at dinner and begin to eat, my cousin gives me this extremely worried look and asks, "What are you doing?" "Eating...?" "-----, you need to pray first." Then I get a five minute lecture from my cousin and grandfather about how I NEED TO PRAY TO JESUS before I bite into my meal. I wanted to just respond with a, "I'm going to hell anyway, I highly doubt Jesus cares that I don't pray before biting into this indian/hindu dish." But then I would have had to tell them why. By the way readers, guess who has two thumbs and found out she would be disowned by her extended family if she came out of the closet? This girl right here!


Then thanksgiving happened. Lots of eating, and being bothered by my bratty only child 6-year-old cousin, and more praying. Everyone way exhausted after eating all except for that annoying kid who decided he didn't want to eat any turkey. (Something to know about me: I LOVE kids! I absolutely LOVE them! I've only ever really detested one child in my whole life and that happens to be my cousin. I love all of the rest of them, but this one... dear god... I didn't realize how bad he was until this trip.) I finally got to the point where I could not take him anymore and I locked myself in my room for most of the afternoon. This was a very bad idea. See, I'm bipolar and I think I may have seasonal depression as well. Now I've been able to control myself while I've been away but being back at the house just made me into my miserable self again. I felt like a 12 years old again. I had around ten panic attacks within three hours. I cried over nothing. I hid in my bathroom so no one could hear me talking to myself--I did that all the time when I was younger. Everything inside me felt numb so much that it was painful. I felt like I was dying and I could not do anything to stop myself. The only person I could think of talking to was her and she finally called! I'm almost positive I texted her and asked her too though. So she finally called-she couldn't even talk to me in front of her family and I think her ex-boyfriend followed her outside. We talked for three minutes. When she told me it was too cold for her to talk I wanted to scream at her. Why she was ashamed to talk to me in front of her family was one thing, but she could hear it in the way that I spoke that I NEEDED to talk to someone. I still want to scream to her at the top of my lungs about it. About the time I started pacing was when a really good friend of mine called and nearly saved me from going crazy. He came too pick my up and I'm almost positive me thought I was one drugs I was so euphoric to be out of that house. I don't know what I would have done if he had not of come and picked me up.


So today: She called me at 8:30 this morning. She had texted me at 6 to tell me I was over reacting and that I needed to calm down (fyi: it is my biggest pet peeve when people tell me that); I think she thought I was freaking out about her ex being with her. So I sent her one back apologizing for I don't even know (guys- it's what you should always do when you want the easy way out) and telling her that it was a really rough day for me yesterday. So she called me as soon as she got my text and she was shopping with her sister so we only talked for about five mintues.

Then I did the whole, mid-day black friday shopping with my mother and grandmother. It was awesome; I got a $200 petticoat for $70 plus other things as well. After shopping I worked out at the wonderful and FABULOUS LifeTime Fitness. It is like Heaven for athletes. After working out was dinner with the family again minus the cousins who left this morning. (Fyi: My sister could not make it home for the holidays, she had just got back from china with the US Sanshou Team so she was very tired.) Dinner was.. interesting...

First off, the whole time I was an object of attraction to my second older man of the day. (The first one was while I was working out on the bike right next to my mother no less.) This one kept staring at me intently while he was having dinner with his perfect little white heterosexual suburban family. His daughter, who looked about 13, was giving me the dirtiest looks all throughout it too. I guess she realized her father was undressing a barely legal girl with his eyes right in front of her mother. Then all throughout dinner I learned that my very same cousin that lectured me over not praying before dinner steals from our dead relatives. Legal documentation of ownership means nothing to that man: My mother has literally had to lie to him so that he wouldn't be tempted to steal an old family heir loom that was my great great grandmother's. Apparently he really gets a feeling of pleasure by owning everything of his dead relatives to the point where he has flat out stolen things from there houses just days (if even) after the funeral. It was shortly thereafter that I learned I'm more than likely to be disowned by those people if I was to ever tell them I was a lesbian.

My dinner, which happened to be my favorite dish at the restaurant, was cold and not at all spicy like I had asked for it to be. So while I was having to eat my cold, non-spicy basil fried rice with tofu, I was listening to stories about my family and how they seem to be the most dysfunctional out of all the ones I know. The dinner ended with us talking about the murder of my uncle's ex-wife. It was a very fun night.

Turkey Day?

Other Wise known as: "Argue with family about whatever, stuff your body till you can't breathe without it hurting, and pass out cold from the amount of tryptophan intake Day." I leave the lbk area on wednesday at noon to fly back to my little picture perfect suburban town by 1 p.m. and I just know I will want to leave long before sunday. I miss my family and everything but... the g-parents are going to be there as well and... i don't know. I just feel a huge fight coming on followed with a "So do you have a boyfriend yet? No? Why not? Stop being so picky!" I have always wanted to follow their response with a, "You know, all the boys I've met so far just don't have big enough tits in my opinion."

(The plan was that I was going to re-comeout of the closet to my parents [they thought it was a phase], but I'm pretty sure doing it to the whole family would just be a little much. Plus, I really can't imagine what my 11-year-old cousin would do when she found out her role model kisses girls.)

But what I honestly want to be able to say to my family when they ask me about who I'm dating is: "She's beautiful. Her name is ----, she's in the army, she's going to nursing school next year, and waking up to her in the morning just makes me want to stay there with her for the rest of the day."

I really was not expecting anything when I met her; she had a girlfriend... well now she's a boy so I supposed it's safe to call her a boyfriend... of 2 years. The boyfriend lives in England and is absolutely in-love with her. Problem: She is a lesbian. As much as she tried to get used to the transitioning it didn't change the whole lesbian factor. They broke up and now we are unofficially dating. He's going to be flying in to spend thanksgiving with her and he'll be in three hours. He wants to kill me. I'm going to meet him. Suspense.

I think what I'm feeling right now isn't jealousy- I want them to still be friends- I think what I'm feeling is just pure nervousness.
I'm nervous about meeting him.
I'm nervous about what to say to him.
I'm nervous about what he'll say to me.
I'm nervous about what he'll do to me.
I'm nervous about what he'll do to her.
I'm nervous about what they will say to each other.
I'm nervous that he'll try something.
I'm nervous she'll let him.
I'm nervous about...

Pretty much everything at this point.

I think two completely failed relationships in a row would just be a little much right now. I think it was stupid to get attached to someone so much... again. Not saying I'm falling as hard for this one as I did the last one, I'm just saying I could and I know it. He's going to be here for ten days. That means nearly two weeks of not getting to really be around her. That means nearly two weeks of them being together constantly and sharing rooms together, and maybe beds together. I am very nervous about this whole thing.

Which brings me back to the whole family thing. I want so badly to be able to talk to my mom or my dad about her. Just to be like, "Hey, I'm scared I might lose her tomorrow, so please listen to me without looking away."

Shane knows what she's doing

So I think this is the first time in a long time that I actually want a relationship. I actually don't believe that I've wanted to be in a relationship so badly ever before. I have no idea why either. I have no time and I need to focus on myself, but maybe in a way focusing on someone else will help me to not stress out as much about myself. Anyway, the only girls I want to date,

1.) claims she's inlove with her girlfriend of four months who does not love her back. She wants to marry this girl which she cheated on with yours truely and then half-assed the truth when she had the chance to come completely clean; we only kissed... uh huh but where? and 2.) the other girl which I want to date has a girlfriend who lives in england who is about to become her boyfriend. This girlfriend going on boyfriend of hers has cheated on her more times than there are fingers on a hand and she's a lesbian. Why would she want to date this cheating, vag-less girlfriend who lives halfway across the world? No idea

Anyway, both of them are severely messed up when it comes to relationships which leads to the question of: Why would you want to date these girls? Why are they so appealing to you? I have no idea. Screwed up girl number one is a cheating, lying, dishonest piece of shit who I cannot carry on a conversation with her anymore with her freaking out because we used to mess around. And screwed up girl number two, who really is not as screwed up as screwed up girl number one, lives in the same complex as me but I never run into her and she's extremely sexual with our gay guy friend?? I don't know, conversations with both are distant but I don't care. I guess that makes me screwed up girl number three, the only of the three who is single.

Here is my list:
1.) Smart
2.) Funny
3.) Takes care of themselves (works out, showering is nice too, ect...)
4.) SINGLE
5.) Smart
6.) Attractive
7.) Can not wear any make-up, not do their hair, and throw on some basketball shorts and a baggy shirt and still look amazing to me
8.) Around my height
9.) Knows what they want
10.) Can stand up for themselves

That's in no particular order but you get the idea. I think I'm just going to start pulling back into my "Shane" mode again. I really want more than just a friends with benefits deal but at least back when I was not wanting a relationship I was getting more. I just sounded like a total slob and pig but I'm going through a dry spell so deal with my lack there of.

blah

So I miss home. It's not like I have an attachment to my room, or my house, or my neighborhood, or even the town; I just really miss the feel of belonging to something. I love it here, don't get me wrong, but I have changed so much and I'm just sick of being this new person who is in a very confusing relationship and I'm sick of people not understanding why I do the things I do. A great thing about college is that you can just come here and no one knows who you are or what you're about and you can start fresh, but it is just as bad all the same. I don't like the fact that I have to tell people, "No really, let me be antisocial today... I need this" because people don't understand that I'm bipolar or that i cannot put up with certain people for more than a couple of hours some times. It's just hard to juggle all of this shit and please people at the same time. I don't want to be a bitch to my friends but sometimes people just need to give in and drop it.

Dreaming is so underrated

I don't dream. I never do. I mean, I completely understand that everyone dreams; it's how we keep our minds alive when we're not awake. But I never remember anything that I dream. College has changed that.

The other night, last Friday I want to say, we had a little dorm slumber par-tay in my friend's room. So it was him, another guy that kinda creeps me out, and my best friend. I was exhausted and so was my best friend so we slept on a mattress on the floor before the movie even really started. My younger brother's birthday is in a week so I dreamt I had just gotten back home for his party and when I got there the whole house was decorated in blue and light lime green. (That was the way we had decorated another one of my friend's rooms a few days ago for her b-day.) So I started walking around and I would see these random flashes of my brother but I could never find him. The I walked up to this carriage in the front of the house which was actually connected to the back of the house anyway. In the carriage which was split in half so you could see right into it, was this bright white coffin with gold lining. It was extremely small, like a kids coffin would be. There were these two little boys in tuxedos in the carriage, the older one was standing behind the closed coffin looking over it and the younger boy was sitting half way into the carriage looking outside of it. The whole inside glowed light blue even though it was all white. So I finally found my mom and asked who's coffin it was and she told me, "That's my niece." When I asked her where my brother was she said, "Upstairs, he won't come down." And I woke up.

So then today I took a nap. My ridiculous roommate kept the lights on studying until 2 o'clock this morning; today was my one 8 am class. Yes I know, on a Monday and everything. So after my english class I had 2 and a half hours to nap which I totally took advantage of. I have never had a dream where I had a false awakening. I did that 5 times and every time I "woke up" in my dream I was late for my ART HIST class and something different was going on every time; i.e. this girl down the hall from my started taking off my clothes. Finally, when I actually did wake up I had to convince my body that I was actually awake. So as I was walking down the street I felt like I was still in a dream and that continued on into my class. It was a weird day.

Don't ever use the last stall in a dormitory community bathroom

So here's a random story for you:
I was in the shower today after working out, doing my showering thing, when it came time to use my wonderful hemp liquid body soap. So I get my wash cloth all ready to use, wet it down (it's a royal looking red, quite beautiful and soft really), and proceed to pour the soap onto it. I then notice how I just so happened to pour the exact shape of an erect penis followed with two perfectly round balls. It made me giggle. Then the funny part was that as the liquid began to spread outward and the erect penis turned into a heart which tickled me even more. I think the best part about the whole short episode was that I was more interested in the miniature member I held in my hand then actually getting all the sweat and grime off of me after working out. And when I realized this, instantly I smeared the heart against my skin and that silly little moment was gone forever. Very tragic really.

Thank you for wasting your life on the internet just a little bit longer to read my unimportant but very amusing story.

P.S. I've lost 5 pounds this past week! Whoo Hoo!!! 17 more to go!

Oh lbk...

So college has been interesting. I had my first mental break down today. My sanity is just as short as my money flow right now so I'm pretty much about to lose it. I did survive through the day... zero homework got done though. I do even have fairly simple assignments to do too, I could get the reading done right now, and do the rest between classes. Not a big deal. Except for that major Art History paper that's due in about a week. Hmmm, I'm kind of shooting myself in the foot right now, not a good way to start off the week. Mondays kill me, I think it may have something to do with the 8 am class...

oh yeah, and I'm finished with trying to please all the ladies in my life. Sorry, the only ones I'm looking out for the time being is my mother and my sister. So stop with the pestering phone calls and whiney text messages.

New York

In 12 hours, I will be in New York. I am very excited!!! I've never been before so this should be fun. Oh yeah, and today was my last day of work!!! At least until I'm done with this first semester.

I Know Who Killed Me is a weird movie

it's pretty damn bad when every second someone in your family isn't home you're fearing for their life. I know I'm worrying way too much but I can't help it. Family is everything to me.

Oh, and I'm doing it again. I'm doing that thing where I completely cut whom ever I'm dating out of my life. My poor girlfriend hasn't seen me in a week. She's depressed about it. Do I really even care though? No. I don't. I'm on day 8 going on day 9 of nonstop working. I did however get to hang out with this amazing girl named (let's just call her new friend01). I like her a lot too but... 1.) I'm still with someone and 2.) She's starting into a relationship with an old fling of mine, someone I still completely care about and would never want to hurt or screw up a relationship for. I'm really not trying to make myself out to be this goddess or anything, but if I try hard enough, any lesbian in this town falls for me just if I flirt with them a little. Not saying new friend01 would do this, but I don't want to risk anything in our friendship. We spent the whole day together, it was a lot of fun just goofing off and not really having to worry about making a fool of ourselves b/c we are very much alike.

A lesson in "activities" with a mad woman

So i do this thing in relationships. It never fails-- every single time. I have something against going through with acting upon things I am expected to do. And the time that I feel this expectation is about the same time that I stop doing it all together. I am a person. I like to sit down and have coffee with a friend, go see Harry Potter and then KNOW that it is missing some very amazing parts out of the book, and I often enjoy going on dates a just not having sex afterwards. Crazy I know. I'm not saying that I will go against any of the things stated above, just that it's nice to just talk after not seeing each other for a week. Just because we haven't done anything in a long time (like three weeks max) does not mean that is what I care about. I do not like being expected to 'put out'- wow that is a trashy statement isn't it?- and I will not if I think its more of a responsibility I need to fulfill than something with actual care and meaning behind it. In my opinion, we shouldn't have even done anything yet.

I don't believe that anyone should ever feel guilty about not having sex. In my experience, anyone that does feel guilty about not having sex also feels less of a person and less in control of their own body and lives. I think that God fucked up a little (a lot) when he made the emotion of sexless guilt. I think he was sitting around with like... Mother Nature and Satan or something, having a drink on the 7th day, when Satan suggested the idea. God either must have had one too many shots or Mother Nature wasn't giving him any ass.

There, right there. I'm going to hell for that statement. Alright it's my bed time-- I stop as soon as I get into deity erotica.

I've always wanted to be a person of substance. I've always wanted to move people with what I think and what I believe in. I don't really know anyone who would say that they DIDN'T want to have this effect on people but I feel that I'm almost, in a way, being greedy. Because, what generally happens, is that I pick my side and my belief and I argue argue argue it until the other person is convinced that what I speak is the truth, try to accept my strong views, or at least just give up and pretend they're going to believe me. This is NOT to say that I'm not open minded, I love listening to other peoples' opinions-- its the way we are truely able to understand the subject being debated. I do believe however, when I feel that I am so completely right about something it is impossible for me to change my mind.

I'm mainly directing this towards certain individuals (aka: the people my siblings date) whom I know could not shake my impression of them. I understand my siblings can do whatever they want with their lives, date whomever they want to date, but all I am asking is for them to just listen to me when I say I am not crazy about girl number so-and-so who does crack/has a boyfriend/has a girlfriend/calls them an asshole and covers it up by saying "just kidding!". I am not being full of myself when I say I can read people very well, maybe not the people that I date b/c that's just me being biased and pretending the same thing won't happen again.

So... for my older sister: The girl has a boyfriend. I know she says she can't do anything and won't do anything with you b/c she's so honest and told you she's in a relationship with a guy. That was very nice of her to inform you. However, it was not very nice of her to go against her honest like she did with you... for 7 hours. You should have learned with the previous girl you fell inlove with who had a girlfriend/fiance. Even if they are ridiculously sexy, she didn't leave "Miss Piggy" I doubt this new girl is going to be any different/

for my older brother: Don't you dare get back together with that girl again. This is the second time she has cheated on you when the both of you were going to study abroad for the summer. If she's doing it out of the country I'm pretty sure she's doing it in the country. She is not worth you losing yourself over and you deserve the best. I know you don't think so but you do so shut it and get over it.

for my younger brother: Stop hanging out with skanky bitches. I will beat the crap out of you and them if I ever even think you're messing around with those dirty hoes. I'm serious.

Thank god I've only got three to deal with.

So... who wants to play?

I do not remember the telephone game being like this

Ulta interviews are not worth it

So I had my interview with Ulta Salons, finally. The woman stood me up twice. First time she had said meet me at the Irving location on wednesday at 10 am. This required me to get up at 7 in the morning which i hate doing so that I could get there on time. In fact, I got there about 15 minutes early. When they opened the doors at 10 and I walked in they told me the lady was not there yet. She also happened to not be there 30 minutes later when I got fed up and left. (The people there also tried to call her constantly for m but she did not pick up once.) Although I was extremely polite ad left a note for her with the receptionist saying the dates and times that I could reschedule, along with my name and phone number so she would be able to call me as soon as she got it.
Then, while I was at work the next day, at 10 am this lady calls me and says, "Hello, I was just seeing if you were going to come in for an interview today." What? Hadn't she said wednesday would be best for her? And then when I told her that she acted as though I was lying. So I then told her on Friday morning would be best. After rethinking that date I called her to say Friday morning would not work b/c I had a dentist appointment at 11. She then asked me if I could come in earlier than that! As if she would actually be up there on time!
So when we reschuduled finally we set the date and she said "Unfortunately it will be at the Irving location again." So the morning of, as I had a gut feeling just to go to the location 5 minutes from my house, I called the Irving salon just to double check what I was remember was right and they said yes it was. So once again, I drove all the way out to Irving to go in for this interview only to find out when I got there that the person I had called had given me the wrong information. So once again this stupid woman tried to put the blame on me. So finally when I got there, a whole hour late I found out it would only get paid 6 dollars an hour and I would have to unbox shit and get the store together before I would even be trained.
Oh, and did I metion the woman who is a total idiot is the district manager?
Fuck that.

It was not the way it was supposed to be.

Pan's Labyrinth. I finally watched the movie. It was AMAZING! There just just one problem: the ending.

I wanted to cry it was so unexpected for me. I really wanted her world to be real and for her to get what she had tried so hard to make real. That little actress is amazing, she had me believing that everything she was going through was actually happening. The ending was a huge blow for me. Although my girlfriend argued that the whole movie was set up for her to die I still am pissed about it. God that was such an amazing movie!

Shane

So while I was working at my current salon today I got a call from my friend's employer asking me to work with them. I am so excited. I don't think I'm going to bail out on my current employer just this second but I'm seriously considering just giving all my hours to this new job. They have 401K, they pay for classes, the pay for me to go to classes, they pay for my mileage, and I'd be making an ass load more hourly and in tips at this new place. I about flipped after she got done telling me about it! So I'm pretty much going to be Shane and that has me excited too.

I'm pretty sure if my life was a movie it would be phenomenal. I know its hard to imagine a real person with an actual, eventful, life through an online blog, but my life is real. So real. Last night was amazing; Michelle and her friends had a little get together at her house. I love her room mates, they're so cute.

If my life was a movie I would have the songs Rock Shit and Fuck the Pain Away in back to back scenes. I would also have as many Peaches songs as fashionably possible in the memoir.

S4

Last night was much needed. Actually, scratch that, this weekend was much needed.

A friend of mine's birthday was Saturday, she turned 17! What a little cutie she is. So I got her paraphernalia on a necklace. It's very small, like as long as your pinkie. It's clear with brown swirl lines and some bright blue swirl lines are your the mouth piece. We decided to name him the most evil name we could think of- "Dubya: Small but deadly." It fits. So it was a very relaxing night for me as you could just as well guessed it. Saturday was also my first relaxing night in nearly six months so it went quite well.

Last night was very fun. Since I have turned 18 I have not done all the things I claimed I would. For instance: buying porn, my first pack of legal cigarettes (why is it that I really never have to pay for anything when there are boys around? It gets kind of annoying at times), and I had not yet been to a club. So last night I went to a club for the first time in my life. If you're from around the Dallas area you know exactly what S4 is: It's the most well known gay club in Dallas= a very good night. The drag show was fun, Crystal Summers was there (Look her up, seriously, she's the hottest woman I have ever seen and even though she's a trans I would still... she's gorgeous.) I went with a friend from work (Justin), his boyfriend (Kyle), his very good friend (Lauren), and his boyfriend's two room mates (Lauren #2 and Michelle). Michelle is very cute. Not in that femme way or anything, she's just cute. And she's shy around me. I find that almost comical due to the fact I'm never really shy around complete strangers. I'm generally shy are people I will never see again which is completely ironic to me.

Seriously, this stupidity needs to end

I don't understand people. I simply do not get them at all. You're in a relationship with someone (just picture it if this has never happened to you.) And you're in this relationship thinking everything is straight forward and just happenin and exciting and new and happy and la-de-da. Then BAM! the person tells you they want to be with their ex again. The same ex this person has not stopped bitching about how annoying this ex really is. The ex who has sent non-stop texts to their friend (yours truly) about how this is going to be hard to get over, about how much it hurts to see him with someone else, blah blah fuckin blah. You've been with someone else! You're the one who dumped him! Get the fuck over it already and let him be happy with someone other than your greedy fat ass! I do not get it! Why do people insist on getting back into relationships after they have already gone into extremely deep shit. And further more, I do not understand why people insist on getting into some self-loathing relationship. I'm sick of it. I am so completely sick of being the nice fucking person here. I'm so god damn sick of people getting me the impression that they don't want to be together b/c "we could have been great." WHAT THE FUCK! Who says that? We could have been great.... yeah we fuckin could have but are we, HELL FUCKING NO because you're a god damned pussy and cannot handle something as sane as two people, who get along, liking one another! What the fuck! I'm so sick of this bullshit. Fuck you world of fucked relationships, just fuck you. Thank you and good night!

Here's some fun things to research

• Bible Code (See Genesis 26:5-10)
• Gnosticism
• Mysticism
• 433 Eros
• Kyoto Protocol
• 2012
• Apocalyptic and Post- Apocalyptic fiction

And some books:

• Prophet- Kahlil Gibran
• Autobiography of a Yogi- Paramahansa Yogananda
• Urantia
• 2012

Some people call it nerdy; I call it cute

College

So I've just made a stifling discovery: I'm going to 10 hours away from the girl I've wanted to be with for the past... oh i don't really know how long. Thinking college would be the perfect opportunity for her to actually be able to date me I did some research on the distances of our two colleges... 10 hours. I will be at the very North West of the largest connected state in the US and she will be at the South East. very close to the coast. I'm not so sure why I've become so attached to this girl; at age 18 no one is supposed to feel so needing of someone else. Maybe it's because I've never been fond of relationships and attachment and subconsciously I've thought of a way to care about someone without ever feeling like I've let them down. Maybe she really is a genuine match for me. As much as I hate to admit it, I haven't been able to figure out with of the two. I feel like a little girl. She passed me in the hallway the other day and waved. Who knew a wave and a smile could hold such an impact on the recipient. I feel completely idiotic; I feel like I've given her the impression I just don't care. Which is far from the truth- I'm just trying not to make a complete and total idiot out of myself. This is allot harder for me than it should be.

Looking at that mapquested red line is like looking at remorse. I wish I could go back. If possible, I would have said something to her sooner. I am ridiculous for feeling lonely because of someone who has no idea I care about them as much as I do.

Hmm, this is the most emotional sincerity I've written so far. I'll probably delete it later to save myself. I don't want anyone to think a blogger.com emo wreck.

College

I got my acceptance letter two days ago. I am THRILLED! You have no idea how many or my butterflies are fluttering every time I think about it. I started talking to my room mate (I found out who she is and her email) and she is so cool. I'm really worried that she will object to the fact that I like girls. She claims she very liberal though, so hopefully she means it.

I'm going to make this very simple and to the point:

I am completely and utterly confused about everything.

Katrina don't got shit on this house!

I guess I should let you know what that picture is of. Obviously it's a house (like totally like duh) but it's a very important house in my history. I've never lived there nor have i ever even visited that building before the picture was taken. My grand mother and my mother both grew up in that house. It is in New Orleans and has survived throughout the decades. I think it's beautiful, especially all beat up like that.

This house is haunted though. Hardcore, freaky deaky, haunted. Probably it's most interesting feature has been its greatest downfall. At least in the topic of keeping families living in it. The last we've known about it, a gay couple bought it and fixed it up, making it colorful inside and out. I don't think they live there anymore though. Gay guys(and hopefully the rest of the world as well) know puke yellow houses not highly fashionable.

"That's so gay!"

It's hard for me to understand why people discriminate against gays so much, especially when it's parents trying to "de-gay" their child. I know that my thoughts on this are very biased seeing the way that I live, but I would like to believe that if I were straight I would not only think no differently of my child, but that I would also be proud. Because coming out is not only stressful in a social sense, but people have to take into consideration their protection from homo-phobes (god, I hate that word).

The reason this is popping into my head is because I've recently discovered I have extremely strong feelings for this girl that I have gone to school with since I was 11. She is beautiful and in shape, has a great personality, is not afraid to be who she is, but doesn't flaunt it or get too wrapped up in herself. She is an amazing person; I absolutely love her personality. She is the same age as I yet she's extremely mature, but never gets offended or embarrassed if someone were to do something immaturely. There is one cruel problem though: her parents are the ones that lock up their children for being gay. She has been confound to her house ever since they found out she dates other girls. This was three years ago. She is never allowed anywhere other than school (she recently quit basketball and I imagine this has something to do with it), is not allowed on the phone or the computer, and cannot have a job. If I were to ask her out, I would never get to see her, barely get to talk to her, and could possibly find myself in a world of trouble if her parents were to find out.

(Side Story: She comes from a 'Brady bunch' like family. Her step mother had 3 girls and her father had 3 girls when they got married-- long story about how they met. She is the only one who is gay in this large christian family. One, or a couple i do not know, of her "friends" [I use this word loosely] will let her parents know when she is talking to any girls. It's horrible.)

Why, do you ask, is it that I'm attracted to a girl I obviously cannot have? The fact that she has been through all of this and has not given up on herself and the fact she is still smiling every time I see her is the most amazing thing in the world to me. Almost three years of this and she still is fighting to be who she is. Not only is she beautiful, but her strength is astonishing. I want so badly to be with this girl it's ridiculous. Why is it that even parents won't let their children be happy?? Who can judge other than the creator of this way of life??

That got me thinking...

What if?

What if homosexuality wasn't something our creator resented? What if our creator actually intended for this to happen. Think about it. After the flood, it was vowed that sort of killing would never happen again. Ever. But our society is over populating at such an alarming rate and people are living to be older and older. Soon we will die off simply because we will over populate ourselves. Not only that, but crime is at it's worse-- something directly written over and over again in ALL ancient religious texts. And also take into consideration fatal disease and viruses. Our research is evolving even as you read this right now. Every second a new discovery has been discovered, and new experiment experimented, a new cure has been found. There has to be a reason for everything on this planet, even STD's and cancers. People used to be dieing at a constant rate due to the black plague. Now, today, outbreaks are rare and even when they do occur they can be cured in just a simple treatment. One day we will have a cure for AIDS and other kinds of killers in today's society. I believe our creator has taken this into account. God isn't dead, he's simply just busy trying to prevent our downfall caused by the most irresistible gift he has given us: sex.

So where does homosexuality fall into play? I think you can piece together where. Gays, while being able to engage in sexual activities, cannot reproduce. This is no secret of course, but the biggest secret that is on top of modern day minds is: Is homosexuality okay? I think homosexuality is our creator's passive action in curing our over population. While our creator promised aggressive killing and death at such a large degree would never happen from his hands, nothing was ever said about any other alternative methods in changing our society. Yes, lesbian couples can, and often do, gain the ability to become pregnant through sperm donations, there is also the option of adoption. Taking a parent less child into their arms is the most astounding act any adult(s) could possibly do for an unwanted baby. While in the United States it's terribly long and hard to find a baby to adopt, other countries around the world easily look past the fact it is a gay couple wanting to raise a child and more so think there are these two wonderful adults wanting to raise a baby who would other wise be parent less.

But adoption is a little off topic. My apologies.

The basis of all my thoughts is that, not only should homosexuality be okay, it is also an intention of God. It may seem like a stretch to the devout Christian, but it is not too far out there. To think, all piercing (yes even ears) was once a sign of evil at work, but today I dare anyone to walk out in a public place where not one person has a piercing or two. The previous example is not to the same degree as the subject matter at hand, I understand that, but maybe my thought patterns are not complete awry. If people willingly and gradually accept the piercing of ears, among other things, over time, is it so far fetched to believe one day homosexuality will be a part of every day life in which people do not discriminate nor flaunt our humanly life style?

As Thomas Jefferson stated, "Every generation needs a revolution," quite possibly the question and answering of whether homosexuality is right or wrong could be our next. Is is possible that even God himself is the cause of the burning desire felt between two people of the same sex, or is it simply as sinful as the right wing conservator says?

We are all nothing more than giant blobs of living cells kept alive by an army of zombies.

my life is sss-weet! I finally got my first [legal] tattoo on Wednesday... wow, I suddenly have begun to be too tired to finish writing anything of any real importance.

1 timothy 6:10

"For the love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows."


Radix malorum est cupiditas/The root of all evil is desire

life is good and bad, but mostly good

How is life so utterly amazing and so horribly terrible all at the same time? I can't say why it is bad b/c I promised, and I won't break a promise even on an anonymous blog, but man I have no problem saying how great it is. This week has been wonderful! It was my second week at work so I finally got the hang of things. Tuesday night was my first night closing by myself and I was only $.12 over which was awesome seeing as how the people that were training me were constantly over at least 20 dollars. Also, tomorrow is my 18th birthday! Man, I have never been excited about birthdays but this one is going to be awesome! I'm going to get my first legal tattoo (which makes a total of two now) and I'm dragging a whole bunch of my friends with me b/c I want to be that typical high schooler turning 18 experiencing typical high school things. I'm having dinner tomorrow night with my family and then a huge dinner Saturday night with some of my friends and my family. Also, I have a date on Friday. This is what has blown me away this week. Oh! Before I begin with that though! I won at my art contest!!!! I got perfect scores on both things and I'm going to the state level competition to Houston! All is paid for and I get 20 dollars a day for food (I'm very small so I get to pocket allot), we're leaving Thursday night and getting back Sunday evening! So excited!

Alright, so about my date this Friday. A few months back I got a myspace message from this girl who is a grade younger than me and who goes to my school saying she was just now coming out of the closet and she really needed someone to talk to about it and that she always would see me or hear about me at my school and would hear about how strong of a person I was. (Just a little side note, I'm a legend at my high school- I'm an outspoken bisexual girl who respects myself so therefore people respect me for it. I've even had teachers tell me they respect me and that it makes them happy I'm proud to be who I am and that I'm not afraid of the world's opinion.) So this girl needed a mentor; someone to just tell her she'll get through it and that everything will be alright and to just not care when people disagree with who she is. Well, I had never met her but whenever she'd have a problem she'd message me and I'd give her advice or tell her it was going to get better. Well then this girl moved away to another town close by and I just stopped hearing from her.
A couple of weeks ago I hear from her again and she tells me that she's moved back in with her grandparents and we started talking again- I did not think anything of it. So Monday night she sends me yet another message saying:

"you are so gorgeous! if i knew whether or not you were taken..and if i wasn't so freaking shy..i would go after you in a heart beat. "

I was extremely surprised and uncontrollably flattered and I told her that and also I wasn't in a relationship and that she should get over being shy. So long story short we started talking and we have a date on Friday. This girl is so amazing, she is beautiful and funny and smart and down to earth, ah! she really is amazing! There is no other word for it, she is just perfect. I had a coffee date with her today and I get so nervous around her and I don't think she even realizes it. Man, it's kind of hard to stop thinking about her now.

Libertarian

Houston and Art and such

Whoo hoo! Okay, so in TX there is this thing called VASE (Visual Arts Scholastic Event) where there is a local and state level competition for art. I put in two pieces, one's a triptych with one necklace and two rings (silver) and one is just a small silver necklace. So I entered both of them and both of them got medals (so my art teacher has told me)!!! Only the triptych is going to go to state but hey, I am so damn pumped right now I can't bare it!!!

Today had a terrible start

So, I never remember my dreams, and when I do they are always terrible. Absolutely pointless or scary or dreadful. They are just never good dreams. So this morning I had a terrific dream! I met this boy, who was pretending to go to the same school as me, but who wasn't taking a single class there. He was tall, probably around 6'3 or so, with neat but shaggy dark brown hair, dark brown eyes, fare skin, and who was really funny. So I started talking to this boy to find out who he was because he always seemed to be where I was and was, in a very noncreepy way, my "stalker". So I started a conversation with him and found out he didn't go to the school and I was laughing about it and was ready to ask him why he was there despite the fact he wasn't enrolled when my mother came in and woke me up. Now, this would totally be understandable and I would be extremely thankful seeing as how it was around 8 in the morning and I normally wake up at 7 to get to school by 8-8:30, but today was taks, and seniors are exempt. It was probably the worst way to start out a day. To have this really insiteful dream only to find you cannot get half way through it b/c your mother was concerned about waking you up on time. God, sometimes I don't know why I do this day after day.

I'm watching Garden State again.

Garden State

oh wow.... seriously, I wish this movie was my life. I would love for someone to miss a flight b/c they loved me. How amazing would that make you feel?

I think I officially love Garden State. I have never seen it before and I'm not even half way through but it makes me want to scream happiness and embarrassment.

If I was on a plane and it was going down, instead of panicking I hope that I would do this:

I hope that I would grab the nearest lonely person and hug them and kiss them. Not romantically, just lovingly. After I did this I would then tell them that someone in the world wanted to do that to them at that exact moment in time, and that they are loved very much. I don't care who it would be, old young, man or woman. Because someone who is about to die needs to either be doing something that makes the moment worth living, or be reminded why they ever lived in the first place.

You are a Social Liberal (66% permissive) and an... Economic Liberal (23% permissive) You are best described as a: Democrat Link: The Politics Test on OkCupid Free Online Dating Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test

It's Valentine's Day. It's Hallmark Day. It's the first one in 6 years I've spent it alone. I never knew what it felt like to become sick with loneliness. But like me tell you, after 8 hours of school with girls with bears/chocolates/flowers and boys with beautiful girls to give those things to, I want to break down. I know, I shouldn't be so into this made up day. It's hard though, when the boy you want to be with doesn't even talk to you. I thought for sure he was going to ask me out for tonight, but I've realized just because he is talking to me, doesn't mean he's into me. I hate this. Am I really that awful as a person? Am I really that ugly as a whole? Maybe I am, maybe I just luck into relationships. Last night I was so upset about the matter that I nearly called the crazy stalking ex-boy friend to tell him I was sorry I broke up with him and that I missed him. Wow, if only you knew the way he acted you would know Hallmark Day really has me emotionally messed up.

babble-bobble

People are too self conscience... why can't they just let things flow out of their mouths like carbon dioxide. Even carbon dioxide, although proves to be deadly, creates a life of it's own. Without it we wouldn't have plants. And without talking we wouldn't have noise. I like the quiet but how damn annoying is that silent buzzing you hear when it's too quiet? Give me some noise in life, that's the only cure for the cursed buzzing...

a friend of mine called me an aphrodite today. although I don't think he understands you simply cannot be "an aphrodite" that you can only be "Aphrodite" I was never the less extremely flattered. Things like that make my life worth living.

in 2 weeks and 2 days

I will become

18 years of age

and

a legal adult...

why is this scaring me?

Muss es sein?

Einstein believed in a 4Th dimension... the ability to move in and out of time freely. He thought of a way that if something were moving fast enough it would be able to travel through time. Since rarely you find things that are faster than the speed of light (I would say there is nothing faster but I am uncertain) a thing coming close to it would be the speed of sound. If someone learned to let out a vocal sound faster than light, do you think it could be possible to tell the past about the future?

And! If you told the past about the future, wouldn't it then cause the past to have the knowledge of the future, thus eliminating any future knowledge? Furthermore, wouldn't the previous future knowledge then turn into what was already known (that which was information given to the previous past) plus however much our knowledge had grown between the two years added on the the futures knowledge given to the past?

This would create an on going cycle: It would create a nonexistent and ever changing future thus creating and forming the present into the already known future!

Another thought:

If someone is going to create a time machine,

wouldn't we already know about it?

I do not understand it. Every day she comes home and gives me this look like, please just go die. She doesn't even say hi to me anymore. It's killing me. Aren't mothers supposed to talk with their daughters? Isn't there supposed to be more than just this random dislike towards me?

When I think of perfection I think: of the song: Where Does The Good Go, by Tegan and Sara.

When I think of ancient I think: of the book: Tao Te Ching, by Lao-tzu (about 551-479 BCE)

When I think of love I think: I cannot commit, how would I possibly know anything about the sort.

When I think of art I think: Passion

When I think of life I think: of breathing

When I think of letting go I think: A good drive is best fitting...

...I think I need to get out of the house for a while

for <3 of Koreans

So a little background history about me:
I'm in a cosmetology class through my high school. I started when I was a junior. The class lasts for 2 years, 2 class periods long (we have 4 class periods per term at my school)= 3hrs and 15min long, all year round. These girls are my sisters but I rarely hang out with them as much as I should. Exactly like I am with my real brothers so it is truthful when I say I take them all as my siblings.

Saturday night, me and 2 of my friends from my class went out to dinner. Amanda, who is white, Christina and her sister (who are both Korean), and I all went out to Harry Hines for food. Living in the white wash town that I do, I've never really had true Korean food. It was wonderful. I love Korea and the fabulous tastes that come from it! Then, I had the most amazing bubble tea imaginable. It was fantastic. I soaked up ever second of the night like I did my tea. Every- last- drop.

Today however, was tragically uneventful. But I will tell you a funny story about Friday:

I went to go to this Japanese place. (I know what you're thinking right now, too much asianness for a white girl in one weekend... well you're WRONG!) I went with my parents-- because that is just simply what you do on dateless Friday nights-- and our waiter at the place looked so familiar I could not stand it. Every second I thought he wasn't looking I did the casual and universal checking-you-out glance and I came to the conclusion that it was none other than an ex boyfriend of mine, David, that I had dated a few months back. It had to be! everything looked like him and I knew that he was trying to figure out who I was too. So, after asking the hostess his name and going home to do some intense myspace research I found out- alas!- definitely NOT David. I did however find out it was an old friend of mine that looked allot like him. That's why I thought I knew him... because, well, I did. He used to date a friend of mine and that's how we had met before, but I hadn't seen him in nearly a year. The last time I did see him he stopped me from being the "physical downfall" of an unintelligent girl (that is a whole other story though, maybe next time.) That was the reason I had stopped hanging out with him as much. Now that I look back on it though, I probably should thank him for stopping me instead of having him think I still hold a grudge. Wow, just wow! It's amazing how different one can look after cutting their mid-back length of hair to a very closely shaved head... I think it's even safe to say I find him extremely attractive now.

So here's the break down of what's going on right now. I'm a senior in high school with a near minimum wage job, I'm about to enter college-- that is if I get in, the last guy I date left and said nothing to me about breaking up, and now I'm crazy about someone I don't even talk to b/c I don't want to end up in the same situation. Ridiculously cliché as it may seem, I think I've given up on relationships. I'm sick of getting stuck with these people who turn out to be dead beat nobodies with no real goals in life. Forget it. Nick, sorry buddy, I know you don't really care or anything, but I don't think things are going to work out between us in our relationship in my mind...

so it's the dawn of a new blog, hopefully no one I know will find this and it they do of well they can find someway to deal. I think it's funny how I'd rather be the entertainer of a group of strangers that spill to people that I know.

"Between two evils,

I always pick the one

I never tried
before."

- Mae
West