1 timothy 6:10

"For the love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows."


Radix malorum est cupiditas/The root of all evil is desire

life is good and bad, but mostly good

How is life so utterly amazing and so horribly terrible all at the same time? I can't say why it is bad b/c I promised, and I won't break a promise even on an anonymous blog, but man I have no problem saying how great it is. This week has been wonderful! It was my second week at work so I finally got the hang of things. Tuesday night was my first night closing by myself and I was only $.12 over which was awesome seeing as how the people that were training me were constantly over at least 20 dollars. Also, tomorrow is my 18th birthday! Man, I have never been excited about birthdays but this one is going to be awesome! I'm going to get my first legal tattoo (which makes a total of two now) and I'm dragging a whole bunch of my friends with me b/c I want to be that typical high schooler turning 18 experiencing typical high school things. I'm having dinner tomorrow night with my family and then a huge dinner Saturday night with some of my friends and my family. Also, I have a date on Friday. This is what has blown me away this week. Oh! Before I begin with that though! I won at my art contest!!!! I got perfect scores on both things and I'm going to the state level competition to Houston! All is paid for and I get 20 dollars a day for food (I'm very small so I get to pocket allot), we're leaving Thursday night and getting back Sunday evening! So excited!

Alright, so about my date this Friday. A few months back I got a myspace message from this girl who is a grade younger than me and who goes to my school saying she was just now coming out of the closet and she really needed someone to talk to about it and that she always would see me or hear about me at my school and would hear about how strong of a person I was. (Just a little side note, I'm a legend at my high school- I'm an outspoken bisexual girl who respects myself so therefore people respect me for it. I've even had teachers tell me they respect me and that it makes them happy I'm proud to be who I am and that I'm not afraid of the world's opinion.) So this girl needed a mentor; someone to just tell her she'll get through it and that everything will be alright and to just not care when people disagree with who she is. Well, I had never met her but whenever she'd have a problem she'd message me and I'd give her advice or tell her it was going to get better. Well then this girl moved away to another town close by and I just stopped hearing from her.
A couple of weeks ago I hear from her again and she tells me that she's moved back in with her grandparents and we started talking again- I did not think anything of it. So Monday night she sends me yet another message saying:

"you are so gorgeous! if i knew whether or not you were taken..and if i wasn't so freaking shy..i would go after you in a heart beat. "

I was extremely surprised and uncontrollably flattered and I told her that and also I wasn't in a relationship and that she should get over being shy. So long story short we started talking and we have a date on Friday. This girl is so amazing, she is beautiful and funny and smart and down to earth, ah! she really is amazing! There is no other word for it, she is just perfect. I had a coffee date with her today and I get so nervous around her and I don't think she even realizes it. Man, it's kind of hard to stop thinking about her now.

Libertarian

Houston and Art and such

Whoo hoo! Okay, so in TX there is this thing called VASE (Visual Arts Scholastic Event) where there is a local and state level competition for art. I put in two pieces, one's a triptych with one necklace and two rings (silver) and one is just a small silver necklace. So I entered both of them and both of them got medals (so my art teacher has told me)!!! Only the triptych is going to go to state but hey, I am so damn pumped right now I can't bare it!!!

Today had a terrible start

So, I never remember my dreams, and when I do they are always terrible. Absolutely pointless or scary or dreadful. They are just never good dreams. So this morning I had a terrific dream! I met this boy, who was pretending to go to the same school as me, but who wasn't taking a single class there. He was tall, probably around 6'3 or so, with neat but shaggy dark brown hair, dark brown eyes, fare skin, and who was really funny. So I started talking to this boy to find out who he was because he always seemed to be where I was and was, in a very noncreepy way, my "stalker". So I started a conversation with him and found out he didn't go to the school and I was laughing about it and was ready to ask him why he was there despite the fact he wasn't enrolled when my mother came in and woke me up. Now, this would totally be understandable and I would be extremely thankful seeing as how it was around 8 in the morning and I normally wake up at 7 to get to school by 8-8:30, but today was taks, and seniors are exempt. It was probably the worst way to start out a day. To have this really insiteful dream only to find you cannot get half way through it b/c your mother was concerned about waking you up on time. God, sometimes I don't know why I do this day after day.

I'm watching Garden State again.

Garden State

oh wow.... seriously, I wish this movie was my life. I would love for someone to miss a flight b/c they loved me. How amazing would that make you feel?

I think I officially love Garden State. I have never seen it before and I'm not even half way through but it makes me want to scream happiness and embarrassment.

If I was on a plane and it was going down, instead of panicking I hope that I would do this:

I hope that I would grab the nearest lonely person and hug them and kiss them. Not romantically, just lovingly. After I did this I would then tell them that someone in the world wanted to do that to them at that exact moment in time, and that they are loved very much. I don't care who it would be, old young, man or woman. Because someone who is about to die needs to either be doing something that makes the moment worth living, or be reminded why they ever lived in the first place.

You are a Social Liberal (66% permissive) and an... Economic Liberal (23% permissive) You are best described as a: Democrat Link: The Politics Test on OkCupid Free Online Dating Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test

It's Valentine's Day. It's Hallmark Day. It's the first one in 6 years I've spent it alone. I never knew what it felt like to become sick with loneliness. But like me tell you, after 8 hours of school with girls with bears/chocolates/flowers and boys with beautiful girls to give those things to, I want to break down. I know, I shouldn't be so into this made up day. It's hard though, when the boy you want to be with doesn't even talk to you. I thought for sure he was going to ask me out for tonight, but I've realized just because he is talking to me, doesn't mean he's into me. I hate this. Am I really that awful as a person? Am I really that ugly as a whole? Maybe I am, maybe I just luck into relationships. Last night I was so upset about the matter that I nearly called the crazy stalking ex-boy friend to tell him I was sorry I broke up with him and that I missed him. Wow, if only you knew the way he acted you would know Hallmark Day really has me emotionally messed up.

babble-bobble

People are too self conscience... why can't they just let things flow out of their mouths like carbon dioxide. Even carbon dioxide, although proves to be deadly, creates a life of it's own. Without it we wouldn't have plants. And without talking we wouldn't have noise. I like the quiet but how damn annoying is that silent buzzing you hear when it's too quiet? Give me some noise in life, that's the only cure for the cursed buzzing...

a friend of mine called me an aphrodite today. although I don't think he understands you simply cannot be "an aphrodite" that you can only be "Aphrodite" I was never the less extremely flattered. Things like that make my life worth living.

in 2 weeks and 2 days

I will become

18 years of age

and

a legal adult...

why is this scaring me?

Muss es sein?

Einstein believed in a 4Th dimension... the ability to move in and out of time freely. He thought of a way that if something were moving fast enough it would be able to travel through time. Since rarely you find things that are faster than the speed of light (I would say there is nothing faster but I am uncertain) a thing coming close to it would be the speed of sound. If someone learned to let out a vocal sound faster than light, do you think it could be possible to tell the past about the future?

And! If you told the past about the future, wouldn't it then cause the past to have the knowledge of the future, thus eliminating any future knowledge? Furthermore, wouldn't the previous future knowledge then turn into what was already known (that which was information given to the previous past) plus however much our knowledge had grown between the two years added on the the futures knowledge given to the past?

This would create an on going cycle: It would create a nonexistent and ever changing future thus creating and forming the present into the already known future!

Another thought:

If someone is going to create a time machine,

wouldn't we already know about it?

I do not understand it. Every day she comes home and gives me this look like, please just go die. She doesn't even say hi to me anymore. It's killing me. Aren't mothers supposed to talk with their daughters? Isn't there supposed to be more than just this random dislike towards me?

When I think of perfection I think: of the song: Where Does The Good Go, by Tegan and Sara.

When I think of ancient I think: of the book: Tao Te Ching, by Lao-tzu (about 551-479 BCE)

When I think of love I think: I cannot commit, how would I possibly know anything about the sort.

When I think of art I think: Passion

When I think of life I think: of breathing

When I think of letting go I think: A good drive is best fitting...

...I think I need to get out of the house for a while

for <3 of Koreans

So a little background history about me:
I'm in a cosmetology class through my high school. I started when I was a junior. The class lasts for 2 years, 2 class periods long (we have 4 class periods per term at my school)= 3hrs and 15min long, all year round. These girls are my sisters but I rarely hang out with them as much as I should. Exactly like I am with my real brothers so it is truthful when I say I take them all as my siblings.

Saturday night, me and 2 of my friends from my class went out to dinner. Amanda, who is white, Christina and her sister (who are both Korean), and I all went out to Harry Hines for food. Living in the white wash town that I do, I've never really had true Korean food. It was wonderful. I love Korea and the fabulous tastes that come from it! Then, I had the most amazing bubble tea imaginable. It was fantastic. I soaked up ever second of the night like I did my tea. Every- last- drop.

Today however, was tragically uneventful. But I will tell you a funny story about Friday:

I went to go to this Japanese place. (I know what you're thinking right now, too much asianness for a white girl in one weekend... well you're WRONG!) I went with my parents-- because that is just simply what you do on dateless Friday nights-- and our waiter at the place looked so familiar I could not stand it. Every second I thought he wasn't looking I did the casual and universal checking-you-out glance and I came to the conclusion that it was none other than an ex boyfriend of mine, David, that I had dated a few months back. It had to be! everything looked like him and I knew that he was trying to figure out who I was too. So, after asking the hostess his name and going home to do some intense myspace research I found out- alas!- definitely NOT David. I did however find out it was an old friend of mine that looked allot like him. That's why I thought I knew him... because, well, I did. He used to date a friend of mine and that's how we had met before, but I hadn't seen him in nearly a year. The last time I did see him he stopped me from being the "physical downfall" of an unintelligent girl (that is a whole other story though, maybe next time.) That was the reason I had stopped hanging out with him as much. Now that I look back on it though, I probably should thank him for stopping me instead of having him think I still hold a grudge. Wow, just wow! It's amazing how different one can look after cutting their mid-back length of hair to a very closely shaved head... I think it's even safe to say I find him extremely attractive now.

So here's the break down of what's going on right now. I'm a senior in high school with a near minimum wage job, I'm about to enter college-- that is if I get in, the last guy I date left and said nothing to me about breaking up, and now I'm crazy about someone I don't even talk to b/c I don't want to end up in the same situation. Ridiculously cliché as it may seem, I think I've given up on relationships. I'm sick of getting stuck with these people who turn out to be dead beat nobodies with no real goals in life. Forget it. Nick, sorry buddy, I know you don't really care or anything, but I don't think things are going to work out between us in our relationship in my mind...

so it's the dawn of a new blog, hopefully no one I know will find this and it they do of well they can find someway to deal. I think it's funny how I'd rather be the entertainer of a group of strangers that spill to people that I know.

"Between two evils,

I always pick the one

I never tried
before."

- Mae
West