Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
I hate dorm rooms
I really cannot wait for that house next year. This whole living with a complete stranger who happens to be a brat is killing me. I just want to be left alone right now and she never leaves. She's on her the phone with her mother again and I cannot stand her whiny voice. She normally calls once a day but she's complaining about the wind so it will more than likely be twice or maybe even three times today. She is in college and yet she still has to send every single thing she writes for a class back to her mother to read. She really needs to grow up. And she sounds like a horse when she sleeps with her smacking and chomping her jaws together. I haven't been able to sleep in the past few weeks because if I can't fall asleep fast enough she keeps me up. God I cannot stand listening to her talk to her mother; it's like listening to a five year old.
I understand I'm being very immature with writing a blog about how much I hate so and so; but this is a case where I just have to live with it and rant every once in a while to relieve stress.
I had class with my ex this morning that's why I'm in such a bitchy mood right now. She really was the only person I have ever met where the thought of marriage actually occurred to me. God I sound like such a dramatic person. The damn blogger site brings out the worst in me I swear.
I understand I'm being very immature with writing a blog about how much I hate so and so; but this is a case where I just have to live with it and rant every once in a while to relieve stress.
I had class with my ex this morning that's why I'm in such a bitchy mood right now. She really was the only person I have ever met where the thought of marriage actually occurred to me. God I sound like such a dramatic person. The damn blogger site brings out the worst in me I swear.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Something I will never understand is why, when I deal with a tragic event, I have to deal with a dozen things worse enough to make me not want to get out of bed in the morning. I've been sleeping in until early after noon and there are days where I go without eating anything and others where I can't eat enough. This small college town is eating away at me and I once again feel a need to move. I'm heart broken and screwing up everything; I can't wait for the sun to come out again. We broke up, my close friend died, and school seems slightly unimportant to me right now and it shows. Now even me moving to australia for the summer seems slightly less exciting. I want to just stand in the middle of a crowd and scream at the top of my lungs until nothing else can come out. I want to cry until I'm dried up. I want to throw up until there is nothing else. I want to be able to start over, to kiss her every chance I could, to call him whenever I had time, and I would like for just once to be in control of my life. Fuck fate. I just want to be happy right now.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
The Free World
My two friends from my home town are getting married and I really just need to share this story right now:
Cory is 22. I worked with him at target and dated him for a short period of time. I ended up breaking up with him because-for obvious reasons-we were better friends. That and also he seemed to move way too fast for me. He was actually fired from target for stealing and from what I remember he was up for a felony charge because of it. Whether or not he was actually found guilty for a felony and not a misdemeanor is beyond me. That was a year and a half to two years ago that it happened and he has still not been able to find a job since; I'm assuming it was a felony charge. Last I spoke to him he was still living with his mother and was trying to go back to college. He told me that nearly two years ago and he is not back in college yet.
Cory is not back in college because of Cara, who is 19 and just graduated from high school. She is now joining the army (to unknowingly become a disposable/replaceable tool of the US) so that she can become a dental hygienist. I'm proud of her though, even though I know how the army treats their people she is still at least doing something with her life. The way my two friends met was through Brendan and Jeremy. Jeremy was Cory's best friend and also worked with me at target. Jeremy's roommate was Brendan who was dating Cara at the time of their meeting. After realizing we were not going to date again, Cory began having feelings for Cara. Cara cheated on Brendan with Cory and a few months later Cory proposed. I have mixed feelings about this, and no, she is not preg-o.
Even though their circumstance does not seem the most ideal to me (I would not marry someone who cheated on someone else even for me and I would only marry someone I had dated for at least two or three years) yet I still find myself completely and utterly jealous. It's so easy for them to get married. Fall in love. Buy a ring. Set a date. I want that. I want to get married, not right now, but some day I would love to be married. I would love to be married without having to move to a different country. I want to be able to fall in love with whom ever I fall in love with and do the things that people in love do. I want to fall in love, get married, buy a house, have children, and live happily ever after. I don't think I'll ever get that opportunity though and it breaks my heart to admit it. I know two people don't have to marry each other to spend the rest of their lives happily together, but it would be nice to. How dare someone say I can't be with someone else just because of gender. If a man and a woman fall in love it should be just as beautiful as a man and a man falling in love or a woman and a woman falling in love. As I'm growing up and my adulthood grows closer and closer it's a scary thought to think that my dreams and desires to be with my girlfriend are defined as illegal in the only country that's ever been home to me.
Right now I am depressingly jealous of everyone who celebrates what I cannot have. From the random couple at the supermarket to my own parents and even to the homophobic teacher at my high school who used to embarrass and taught all the gay children including myself in a room full of students. I am jealous of them all right now because no matter what I do I will never be equal to them according to the leaders of my country.
Cory is 22. I worked with him at target and dated him for a short period of time. I ended up breaking up with him because-for obvious reasons-we were better friends. That and also he seemed to move way too fast for me. He was actually fired from target for stealing and from what I remember he was up for a felony charge because of it. Whether or not he was actually found guilty for a felony and not a misdemeanor is beyond me. That was a year and a half to two years ago that it happened and he has still not been able to find a job since; I'm assuming it was a felony charge. Last I spoke to him he was still living with his mother and was trying to go back to college. He told me that nearly two years ago and he is not back in college yet.
Cory is not back in college because of Cara, who is 19 and just graduated from high school. She is now joining the army (to unknowingly become a disposable/replaceable tool of the US) so that she can become a dental hygienist. I'm proud of her though, even though I know how the army treats their people she is still at least doing something with her life. The way my two friends met was through Brendan and Jeremy. Jeremy was Cory's best friend and also worked with me at target. Jeremy's roommate was Brendan who was dating Cara at the time of their meeting. After realizing we were not going to date again, Cory began having feelings for Cara. Cara cheated on Brendan with Cory and a few months later Cory proposed. I have mixed feelings about this, and no, she is not preg-o.
Even though their circumstance does not seem the most ideal to me (I would not marry someone who cheated on someone else even for me and I would only marry someone I had dated for at least two or three years) yet I still find myself completely and utterly jealous. It's so easy for them to get married. Fall in love. Buy a ring. Set a date. I want that. I want to get married, not right now, but some day I would love to be married. I would love to be married without having to move to a different country. I want to be able to fall in love with whom ever I fall in love with and do the things that people in love do. I want to fall in love, get married, buy a house, have children, and live happily ever after. I don't think I'll ever get that opportunity though and it breaks my heart to admit it. I know two people don't have to marry each other to spend the rest of their lives happily together, but it would be nice to. How dare someone say I can't be with someone else just because of gender. If a man and a woman fall in love it should be just as beautiful as a man and a man falling in love or a woman and a woman falling in love. As I'm growing up and my adulthood grows closer and closer it's a scary thought to think that my dreams and desires to be with my girlfriend are defined as illegal in the only country that's ever been home to me.
Right now I am depressingly jealous of everyone who celebrates what I cannot have. From the random couple at the supermarket to my own parents and even to the homophobic teacher at my high school who used to embarrass and taught all the gay children including myself in a room full of students. I am jealous of them all right now because no matter what I do I will never be equal to them according to the leaders of my country.
Friday, November 23, 2007
Home
So I'm home now. My plane landed two days ago and I've been struggling with being in this house ever since. Before I even got here I was informed by my very upset mother that I wouldn't be able to sleep in my own bed due to the fact that my cousin's family decided to have thanksgiving with us at last minute. This phone call from her was at a very terrible time in the day- whoa back up, I forgot about the ex-boyfriend.
I met him, things went well; she still looks at him like she's in love and it hurts. I walked out of the room for literally 1 minute to talk to my sister on the phone and when I opened the door back up she was practically sitting on his lap. I don't even think she realized that's why I left shortly there after. Then, while I was telling her I couldn't do this-that I know she still was in-love with him and still wanted to be with him-I had to practically make her hug me before she left for her home. She didn't even kiss me goodbye. Another thing: She talks to him more than me. I am not a jealous person and when I do get jealous I never let the person know because I find it extremely embarrassing to lose control of my emotions like that, but when she doesn't even give me the time of day... She will pick up the phone at 2 am while I'm laying naked in bed with her to talk to him, but while I'm having a total panic attack telling her something is wrong and that I need her through text she does nothing. She talks to him about six times a day but can't even stay on the phone longer than three minutes to talk to the girl she supposedly wants to be with more? I want him to disappear. I want him to just go away. By the way, he looks like a twelve year old boy.
So my mother calls right after she doesn't kiss me goodbye to tell me that I wouldn't get my own room when I went home. Then, at dinner, I realized how annoying catholic those very cousins are. As I sit between my cousin and my grandfather at dinner and begin to eat, my cousin gives me this extremely worried look and asks, "What are you doing?" "Eating...?" "-----, you need to pray first." Then I get a five minute lecture from my cousin and grandfather about how I NEED TO PRAY TO JESUS before I bite into my meal. I wanted to just respond with a, "I'm going to hell anyway, I highly doubt Jesus cares that I don't pray before biting into this indian/hindu dish." But then I would have had to tell them why. By the way readers, guess who has two thumbs and found out she would be disowned by her extended family if she came out of the closet? This girl right here!
Then thanksgiving happened. Lots of eating, and being bothered by my bratty only child 6-year-old cousin, and more praying. Everyone way exhausted after eating all except for that annoying kid who decided he didn't want to eat any turkey. (Something to know about me: I LOVE kids! I absolutely LOVE them! I've only ever really detested one child in my whole life and that happens to be my cousin. I love all of the rest of them, but this one... dear god... I didn't realize how bad he was until this trip.) I finally got to the point where I could not take him anymore and I locked myself in my room for most of the afternoon. This was a very bad idea. See, I'm bipolar and I think I may have seasonal depression as well. Now I've been able to control myself while I've been away but being back at the house just made me into my miserable self again. I felt like a 12 years old again. I had around ten panic attacks within three hours. I cried over nothing. I hid in my bathroom so no one could hear me talking to myself--I did that all the time when I was younger. Everything inside me felt numb so much that it was painful. I felt like I was dying and I could not do anything to stop myself. The only person I could think of talking to was her and she finally called! I'm almost positive I texted her and asked her too though. So she finally called-she couldn't even talk to me in front of her family and I think her ex-boyfriend followed her outside. We talked for three minutes. When she told me it was too cold for her to talk I wanted to scream at her. Why she was ashamed to talk to me in front of her family was one thing, but she could hear it in the way that I spoke that I NEEDED to talk to someone. I still want to scream to her at the top of my lungs about it. About the time I started pacing was when a really good friend of mine called and nearly saved me from going crazy. He came too pick my up and I'm almost positive me thought I was one drugs I was so euphoric to be out of that house. I don't know what I would have done if he had not of come and picked me up.
So today: She called me at 8:30 this morning. She had texted me at 6 to tell me I was over reacting and that I needed to calm down (fyi: it is my biggest pet peeve when people tell me that); I think she thought I was freaking out about her ex being with her. So I sent her one back apologizing for I don't even know (guys- it's what you should always do when you want the easy way out) and telling her that it was a really rough day for me yesterday. So she called me as soon as she got my text and she was shopping with her sister so we only talked for about five mintues.
Then I did the whole, mid-day black friday shopping with my mother and grandmother. It was awesome; I got a $200 petticoat for $70 plus other things as well. After shopping I worked out at the wonderful and FABULOUS LifeTime Fitness. It is like Heaven for athletes. After working out was dinner with the family again minus the cousins who left this morning. (Fyi: My sister could not make it home for the holidays, she had just got back from china with the US Sanshou Team so she was very tired.) Dinner was.. interesting...
First off, the whole time I was an object of attraction to my second older man of the day. (The first one was while I was working out on the bike right next to my mother no less.) This one kept staring at me intently while he was having dinner with his perfect little white heterosexual suburban family. His daughter, who looked about 13, was giving me the dirtiest looks all throughout it too. I guess she realized her father was undressing a barely legal girl with his eyes right in front of her mother. Then all throughout dinner I learned that my very same cousin that lectured me over not praying before dinner steals from our dead relatives. Legal documentation of ownership means nothing to that man: My mother has literally had to lie to him so that he wouldn't be tempted to steal an old family heir loom that was my great great grandmother's. Apparently he really gets a feeling of pleasure by owning everything of his dead relatives to the point where he has flat out stolen things from there houses just days (if even) after the funeral. It was shortly thereafter that I learned I'm more than likely to be disowned by those people if I was to ever tell them I was a lesbian.
My dinner, which happened to be my favorite dish at the restaurant, was cold and not at all spicy like I had asked for it to be. So while I was having to eat my cold, non-spicy basil fried rice with tofu, I was listening to stories about my family and how they seem to be the most dysfunctional out of all the ones I know. The dinner ended with us talking about the murder of my uncle's ex-wife. It was a very fun night.
I met him, things went well; she still looks at him like she's in love and it hurts. I walked out of the room for literally 1 minute to talk to my sister on the phone and when I opened the door back up she was practically sitting on his lap. I don't even think she realized that's why I left shortly there after. Then, while I was telling her I couldn't do this-that I know she still was in-love with him and still wanted to be with him-I had to practically make her hug me before she left for her home. She didn't even kiss me goodbye. Another thing: She talks to him more than me. I am not a jealous person and when I do get jealous I never let the person know because I find it extremely embarrassing to lose control of my emotions like that, but when she doesn't even give me the time of day... She will pick up the phone at 2 am while I'm laying naked in bed with her to talk to him, but while I'm having a total panic attack telling her something is wrong and that I need her through text she does nothing. She talks to him about six times a day but can't even stay on the phone longer than three minutes to talk to the girl she supposedly wants to be with more? I want him to disappear. I want him to just go away. By the way, he looks like a twelve year old boy.
So my mother calls right after she doesn't kiss me goodbye to tell me that I wouldn't get my own room when I went home. Then, at dinner, I realized how annoying catholic those very cousins are. As I sit between my cousin and my grandfather at dinner and begin to eat, my cousin gives me this extremely worried look and asks, "What are you doing?" "Eating...?" "-----, you need to pray first." Then I get a five minute lecture from my cousin and grandfather about how I NEED TO PRAY TO JESUS before I bite into my meal. I wanted to just respond with a, "I'm going to hell anyway, I highly doubt Jesus cares that I don't pray before biting into this indian/hindu dish." But then I would have had to tell them why. By the way readers, guess who has two thumbs and found out she would be disowned by her extended family if she came out of the closet? This girl right here!
Then thanksgiving happened. Lots of eating, and being bothered by my bratty only child 6-year-old cousin, and more praying. Everyone way exhausted after eating all except for that annoying kid who decided he didn't want to eat any turkey. (Something to know about me: I LOVE kids! I absolutely LOVE them! I've only ever really detested one child in my whole life and that happens to be my cousin. I love all of the rest of them, but this one... dear god... I didn't realize how bad he was until this trip.) I finally got to the point where I could not take him anymore and I locked myself in my room for most of the afternoon. This was a very bad idea. See, I'm bipolar and I think I may have seasonal depression as well. Now I've been able to control myself while I've been away but being back at the house just made me into my miserable self again. I felt like a 12 years old again. I had around ten panic attacks within three hours. I cried over nothing. I hid in my bathroom so no one could hear me talking to myself--I did that all the time when I was younger. Everything inside me felt numb so much that it was painful. I felt like I was dying and I could not do anything to stop myself. The only person I could think of talking to was her and she finally called! I'm almost positive I texted her and asked her too though. So she finally called-she couldn't even talk to me in front of her family and I think her ex-boyfriend followed her outside. We talked for three minutes. When she told me it was too cold for her to talk I wanted to scream at her. Why she was ashamed to talk to me in front of her family was one thing, but she could hear it in the way that I spoke that I NEEDED to talk to someone. I still want to scream to her at the top of my lungs about it. About the time I started pacing was when a really good friend of mine called and nearly saved me from going crazy. He came too pick my up and I'm almost positive me thought I was one drugs I was so euphoric to be out of that house. I don't know what I would have done if he had not of come and picked me up.
So today: She called me at 8:30 this morning. She had texted me at 6 to tell me I was over reacting and that I needed to calm down (fyi: it is my biggest pet peeve when people tell me that); I think she thought I was freaking out about her ex being with her. So I sent her one back apologizing for I don't even know (guys- it's what you should always do when you want the easy way out) and telling her that it was a really rough day for me yesterday. So she called me as soon as she got my text and she was shopping with her sister so we only talked for about five mintues.
Then I did the whole, mid-day black friday shopping with my mother and grandmother. It was awesome; I got a $200 petticoat for $70 plus other things as well. After shopping I worked out at the wonderful and FABULOUS LifeTime Fitness. It is like Heaven for athletes. After working out was dinner with the family again minus the cousins who left this morning. (Fyi: My sister could not make it home for the holidays, she had just got back from china with the US Sanshou Team so she was very tired.) Dinner was.. interesting...
First off, the whole time I was an object of attraction to my second older man of the day. (The first one was while I was working out on the bike right next to my mother no less.) This one kept staring at me intently while he was having dinner with his perfect little white heterosexual suburban family. His daughter, who looked about 13, was giving me the dirtiest looks all throughout it too. I guess she realized her father was undressing a barely legal girl with his eyes right in front of her mother. Then all throughout dinner I learned that my very same cousin that lectured me over not praying before dinner steals from our dead relatives. Legal documentation of ownership means nothing to that man: My mother has literally had to lie to him so that he wouldn't be tempted to steal an old family heir loom that was my great great grandmother's. Apparently he really gets a feeling of pleasure by owning everything of his dead relatives to the point where he has flat out stolen things from there houses just days (if even) after the funeral. It was shortly thereafter that I learned I'm more than likely to be disowned by those people if I was to ever tell them I was a lesbian.
My dinner, which happened to be my favorite dish at the restaurant, was cold and not at all spicy like I had asked for it to be. So while I was having to eat my cold, non-spicy basil fried rice with tofu, I was listening to stories about my family and how they seem to be the most dysfunctional out of all the ones I know. The dinner ended with us talking about the murder of my uncle's ex-wife. It was a very fun night.
Monday, November 19, 2007
Turkey Day?
Other Wise known as: "Argue with family about whatever, stuff your body till you can't breathe without it hurting, and pass out cold from the amount of tryptophan intake Day." I leave the lbk area on wednesday at noon to fly back to my little picture perfect suburban town by 1 p.m. and I just know I will want to leave long before sunday. I miss my family and everything but... the g-parents are going to be there as well and... i don't know. I just feel a huge fight coming on followed with a "So do you have a boyfriend yet? No? Why not? Stop being so picky!" I have always wanted to follow their response with a, "You know, all the boys I've met so far just don't have big enough tits in my opinion."
(The plan was that I was going to re-comeout of the closet to my parents [they thought it was a phase], but I'm pretty sure doing it to the whole family would just be a little much. Plus, I really can't imagine what my 11-year-old cousin would do when she found out her role model kisses girls.)
But what I honestly want to be able to say to my family when they ask me about who I'm dating is: "She's beautiful. Her name is ----, she's in the army, she's going to nursing school next year, and waking up to her in the morning just makes me want to stay there with her for the rest of the day."
I really was not expecting anything when I met her; she had a girlfriend... well now she's a boy so I supposed it's safe to call her a boyfriend... of 2 years. The boyfriend lives in England and is absolutely in-love with her. Problem: She is a lesbian. As much as she tried to get used to the transitioning it didn't change the whole lesbian factor. They broke up and now we are unofficially dating. He's going to be flying in to spend thanksgiving with her and he'll be in three hours. He wants to kill me. I'm going to meet him. Suspense.
I think what I'm feeling right now isn't jealousy- I want them to still be friends- I think what I'm feeling is just pure nervousness.
I'm nervous about meeting him.
I'm nervous about what to say to him.
I'm nervous about what he'll say to me.
I'm nervous about what he'll do to me.
I'm nervous about what he'll do to her.
I'm nervous about what they will say to each other.
I'm nervous that he'll try something.
I'm nervous she'll let him.
I'm nervous about...
Pretty much everything at this point.
I think two completely failed relationships in a row would just be a little much right now. I think it was stupid to get attached to someone so much... again. Not saying I'm falling as hard for this one as I did the last one, I'm just saying I could and I know it. He's going to be here for ten days. That means nearly two weeks of not getting to really be around her. That means nearly two weeks of them being together constantly and sharing rooms together, and maybe beds together. I am very nervous about this whole thing.
Which brings me back to the whole family thing. I want so badly to be able to talk to my mom or my dad about her. Just to be like, "Hey, I'm scared I might lose her tomorrow, so please listen to me without looking away."
(The plan was that I was going to re-comeout of the closet to my parents [they thought it was a phase], but I'm pretty sure doing it to the whole family would just be a little much. Plus, I really can't imagine what my 11-year-old cousin would do when she found out her role model kisses girls.)
But what I honestly want to be able to say to my family when they ask me about who I'm dating is: "She's beautiful. Her name is ----, she's in the army, she's going to nursing school next year, and waking up to her in the morning just makes me want to stay there with her for the rest of the day."
I really was not expecting anything when I met her; she had a girlfriend... well now she's a boy so I supposed it's safe to call her a boyfriend... of 2 years. The boyfriend lives in England and is absolutely in-love with her. Problem: She is a lesbian. As much as she tried to get used to the transitioning it didn't change the whole lesbian factor. They broke up and now we are unofficially dating. He's going to be flying in to spend thanksgiving with her and he'll be in three hours. He wants to kill me. I'm going to meet him. Suspense.
I think what I'm feeling right now isn't jealousy- I want them to still be friends- I think what I'm feeling is just pure nervousness.
I'm nervous about meeting him.
I'm nervous about what to say to him.
I'm nervous about what he'll say to me.
I'm nervous about what he'll do to me.
I'm nervous about what he'll do to her.
I'm nervous about what they will say to each other.
I'm nervous that he'll try something.
I'm nervous she'll let him.
I'm nervous about...
Pretty much everything at this point.
I think two completely failed relationships in a row would just be a little much right now. I think it was stupid to get attached to someone so much... again. Not saying I'm falling as hard for this one as I did the last one, I'm just saying I could and I know it. He's going to be here for ten days. That means nearly two weeks of not getting to really be around her. That means nearly two weeks of them being together constantly and sharing rooms together, and maybe beds together. I am very nervous about this whole thing.
Which brings me back to the whole family thing. I want so badly to be able to talk to my mom or my dad about her. Just to be like, "Hey, I'm scared I might lose her tomorrow, so please listen to me without looking away."
Monday, October 22, 2007
Shane knows what she's doing
So I think this is the first time in a long time that I actually want a relationship. I actually don't believe that I've wanted to be in a relationship so badly ever before. I have no idea why either. I have no time and I need to focus on myself, but maybe in a way focusing on someone else will help me to not stress out as much about myself. Anyway, the only girls I want to date,
1.) claims she's inlove with her girlfriend of four months who does not love her back. She wants to marry this girl which she cheated on with yours truely and then half-assed the truth when she had the chance to come completely clean; we only kissed... uh huh but where? and 2.) the other girl which I want to date has a girlfriend who lives in england who is about to become her boyfriend. This girlfriend going on boyfriend of hers has cheated on her more times than there are fingers on a hand and she's a lesbian. Why would she want to date this cheating, vag-less girlfriend who lives halfway across the world? No idea
Anyway, both of them are severely messed up when it comes to relationships which leads to the question of: Why would you want to date these girls? Why are they so appealing to you? I have no idea. Screwed up girl number one is a cheating, lying, dishonest piece of shit who I cannot carry on a conversation with her anymore with her freaking out because we used to mess around. And screwed up girl number two, who really is not as screwed up as screwed up girl number one, lives in the same complex as me but I never run into her and she's extremely sexual with our gay guy friend?? I don't know, conversations with both are distant but I don't care. I guess that makes me screwed up girl number three, the only of the three who is single.
Here is my list:
1.) Smart
2.) Funny
3.) Takes care of themselves (works out, showering is nice too, ect...)
4.) SINGLE
5.) Smart
6.) Attractive
7.) Can not wear any make-up, not do their hair, and throw on some basketball shorts and a baggy shirt and still look amazing to me
8.) Around my height
9.) Knows what they want
10.) Can stand up for themselves
That's in no particular order but you get the idea. I think I'm just going to start pulling back into my "Shane" mode again. I really want more than just a friends with benefits deal but at least back when I was not wanting a relationship I was getting more. I just sounded like a total slob and pig but I'm going through a dry spell so deal with my lack there of.
1.) claims she's inlove with her girlfriend of four months who does not love her back. She wants to marry this girl which she cheated on with yours truely and then half-assed the truth when she had the chance to come completely clean; we only kissed... uh huh but where? and 2.) the other girl which I want to date has a girlfriend who lives in england who is about to become her boyfriend. This girlfriend going on boyfriend of hers has cheated on her more times than there are fingers on a hand and she's a lesbian. Why would she want to date this cheating, vag-less girlfriend who lives halfway across the world? No idea
Anyway, both of them are severely messed up when it comes to relationships which leads to the question of: Why would you want to date these girls? Why are they so appealing to you? I have no idea. Screwed up girl number one is a cheating, lying, dishonest piece of shit who I cannot carry on a conversation with her anymore with her freaking out because we used to mess around. And screwed up girl number two, who really is not as screwed up as screwed up girl number one, lives in the same complex as me but I never run into her and she's extremely sexual with our gay guy friend?? I don't know, conversations with both are distant but I don't care. I guess that makes me screwed up girl number three, the only of the three who is single.
Here is my list:
1.) Smart
2.) Funny
3.) Takes care of themselves (works out, showering is nice too, ect...)
4.) SINGLE
5.) Smart
6.) Attractive
7.) Can not wear any make-up, not do their hair, and throw on some basketball shorts and a baggy shirt and still look amazing to me
8.) Around my height
9.) Knows what they want
10.) Can stand up for themselves
That's in no particular order but you get the idea. I think I'm just going to start pulling back into my "Shane" mode again. I really want more than just a friends with benefits deal but at least back when I was not wanting a relationship I was getting more. I just sounded like a total slob and pig but I'm going through a dry spell so deal with my lack there of.
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