I really cannot wait for that house next year. This whole living with a complete stranger who happens to be a brat is killing me. I just want to be left alone right now and she never leaves. She's on her the phone with her mother again and I cannot stand her whiny voice. She normally calls once a day but she's complaining about the wind so it will more than likely be twice or maybe even three times today. She is in college and yet she still has to send every single thing she writes for a class back to her mother to read. She really needs to grow up. And she sounds like a horse when she sleeps with her smacking and chomping her jaws together. I haven't been able to sleep in the past few weeks because if I can't fall asleep fast enough she keeps me up. God I cannot stand listening to her talk to her mother; it's like listening to a five year old.
I understand I'm being very immature with writing a blog about how much I hate so and so; but this is a case where I just have to live with it and rant every once in a while to relieve stress.
I had class with my ex this morning that's why I'm in such a bitchy mood right now. She really was the only person I have ever met where the thought of marriage actually occurred to me. God I sound like such a dramatic person. The damn blogger site brings out the worst in me I swear.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Something I will never understand is why, when I deal with a tragic event, I have to deal with a dozen things worse enough to make me not want to get out of bed in the morning. I've been sleeping in until early after noon and there are days where I go without eating anything and others where I can't eat enough. This small college town is eating away at me and I once again feel a need to move. I'm heart broken and screwing up everything; I can't wait for the sun to come out again. We broke up, my close friend died, and school seems slightly unimportant to me right now and it shows. Now even me moving to australia for the summer seems slightly less exciting. I want to just stand in the middle of a crowd and scream at the top of my lungs until nothing else can come out. I want to cry until I'm dried up. I want to throw up until there is nothing else. I want to be able to start over, to kiss her every chance I could, to call him whenever I had time, and I would like for just once to be in control of my life. Fuck fate. I just want to be happy right now.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
The Free World
My two friends from my home town are getting married and I really just need to share this story right now:
Cory is 22. I worked with him at target and dated him for a short period of time. I ended up breaking up with him because-for obvious reasons-we were better friends. That and also he seemed to move way too fast for me. He was actually fired from target for stealing and from what I remember he was up for a felony charge because of it. Whether or not he was actually found guilty for a felony and not a misdemeanor is beyond me. That was a year and a half to two years ago that it happened and he has still not been able to find a job since; I'm assuming it was a felony charge. Last I spoke to him he was still living with his mother and was trying to go back to college. He told me that nearly two years ago and he is not back in college yet.
Cory is not back in college because of Cara, who is 19 and just graduated from high school. She is now joining the army (to unknowingly become a disposable/replaceable tool of the US) so that she can become a dental hygienist. I'm proud of her though, even though I know how the army treats their people she is still at least doing something with her life. The way my two friends met was through Brendan and Jeremy. Jeremy was Cory's best friend and also worked with me at target. Jeremy's roommate was Brendan who was dating Cara at the time of their meeting. After realizing we were not going to date again, Cory began having feelings for Cara. Cara cheated on Brendan with Cory and a few months later Cory proposed. I have mixed feelings about this, and no, she is not preg-o.
Even though their circumstance does not seem the most ideal to me (I would not marry someone who cheated on someone else even for me and I would only marry someone I had dated for at least two or three years) yet I still find myself completely and utterly jealous. It's so easy for them to get married. Fall in love. Buy a ring. Set a date. I want that. I want to get married, not right now, but some day I would love to be married. I would love to be married without having to move to a different country. I want to be able to fall in love with whom ever I fall in love with and do the things that people in love do. I want to fall in love, get married, buy a house, have children, and live happily ever after. I don't think I'll ever get that opportunity though and it breaks my heart to admit it. I know two people don't have to marry each other to spend the rest of their lives happily together, but it would be nice to. How dare someone say I can't be with someone else just because of gender. If a man and a woman fall in love it should be just as beautiful as a man and a man falling in love or a woman and a woman falling in love. As I'm growing up and my adulthood grows closer and closer it's a scary thought to think that my dreams and desires to be with my girlfriend are defined as illegal in the only country that's ever been home to me.
Right now I am depressingly jealous of everyone who celebrates what I cannot have. From the random couple at the supermarket to my own parents and even to the homophobic teacher at my high school who used to embarrass and taught all the gay children including myself in a room full of students. I am jealous of them all right now because no matter what I do I will never be equal to them according to the leaders of my country.
Cory is 22. I worked with him at target and dated him for a short period of time. I ended up breaking up with him because-for obvious reasons-we were better friends. That and also he seemed to move way too fast for me. He was actually fired from target for stealing and from what I remember he was up for a felony charge because of it. Whether or not he was actually found guilty for a felony and not a misdemeanor is beyond me. That was a year and a half to two years ago that it happened and he has still not been able to find a job since; I'm assuming it was a felony charge. Last I spoke to him he was still living with his mother and was trying to go back to college. He told me that nearly two years ago and he is not back in college yet.
Cory is not back in college because of Cara, who is 19 and just graduated from high school. She is now joining the army (to unknowingly become a disposable/replaceable tool of the US) so that she can become a dental hygienist. I'm proud of her though, even though I know how the army treats their people she is still at least doing something with her life. The way my two friends met was through Brendan and Jeremy. Jeremy was Cory's best friend and also worked with me at target. Jeremy's roommate was Brendan who was dating Cara at the time of their meeting. After realizing we were not going to date again, Cory began having feelings for Cara. Cara cheated on Brendan with Cory and a few months later Cory proposed. I have mixed feelings about this, and no, she is not preg-o.
Even though their circumstance does not seem the most ideal to me (I would not marry someone who cheated on someone else even for me and I would only marry someone I had dated for at least two or three years) yet I still find myself completely and utterly jealous. It's so easy for them to get married. Fall in love. Buy a ring. Set a date. I want that. I want to get married, not right now, but some day I would love to be married. I would love to be married without having to move to a different country. I want to be able to fall in love with whom ever I fall in love with and do the things that people in love do. I want to fall in love, get married, buy a house, have children, and live happily ever after. I don't think I'll ever get that opportunity though and it breaks my heart to admit it. I know two people don't have to marry each other to spend the rest of their lives happily together, but it would be nice to. How dare someone say I can't be with someone else just because of gender. If a man and a woman fall in love it should be just as beautiful as a man and a man falling in love or a woman and a woman falling in love. As I'm growing up and my adulthood grows closer and closer it's a scary thought to think that my dreams and desires to be with my girlfriend are defined as illegal in the only country that's ever been home to me.
Right now I am depressingly jealous of everyone who celebrates what I cannot have. From the random couple at the supermarket to my own parents and even to the homophobic teacher at my high school who used to embarrass and taught all the gay children including myself in a room full of students. I am jealous of them all right now because no matter what I do I will never be equal to them according to the leaders of my country.
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